Athlete

Integrity, to me, is living the same way whether or not anyone is watching, and telling the truth even when it's uncomfortable. I talk a lot in this space about self-responsibility and radical acceptance, and I can't ask that of anyone else without first living it myself. So I want to share a part of my story you may have already come across if you've searched my name.

In 2019, I received a four-year ban from powerlifting. I want to be honest about how that felt: I was deeply ashamed. Shame has a way of making you want to disappear, to hide the whole thing and hope no one ever asks. For a long time, that's what I did. Writing this is part of choosing differently.

My love for strength sport didn't go anywhere, though. I was already training in strongman, a sport where performance-enhancing substances are openly permitted, so that's where I put my energy. In early 2023, while I was still serving my powerlifting ban, I was tested again and received a seven-year ban from powerlifting. Looking back, I didn't fully understand what being under a ban meant, or that the rules followed me no matter which sport I was in. That's on me. It was my responsibility to know, and I own both of those outcomes.

Then, in June 2023, I ruptured my Achilles, and my competing days ended there.

What followed was one of the hardest seasons of my life. Losing sport meant losing my community, the people I trained beside and saw every week. Around the same time, my marriage ended. That was my choice and a separate story, but it all landed at once. Without the athlete, the team or the marriage, I didn't know who I was anymore. The loss of identity was the deepest part.

That question of who I am underneath everything led me inward, toward my whakapapa, my tūpuna and the wisdom they left for me. In many ways, Hinewairua grew out of that unravelling.

I'm not sharing this to be pitied or to make excuses. I'm sharing it because self-responsibility means owning the whole story, not just the parts that look good, and because shame loses some of its power when it's spoken out loud. Many of us carry chapters we'd rather hide. You are more than your worst chapter. So am I.